Clockwork Memories
by Ryzxn
Summary: One-shot. Post-Clockwork Princess. Tessa's life after Will dies. Incorporates the song Never Alone by Barlow Girl.


_I waited for you today_

Tessa looks up from her book, wondering where Will is and why in the Angel's name he hasn't gotten up yet. It is nearly noon, after all, and even when he's drunk he doesn't sleep in this late. Well, not alone anyway. There were days where neither of them had the willpower to get out of their comfortable bed and instead simply wasted the day away in each other's arms, sharing both kisses and words.

But then something changes. Tessa realizes she's not in her home in Yorkshire anymore, but now in her apartment in New York. She blinks at the sunlight that trickles into the room and wonders if she'll ever forget Will. There's a part of her that wants to forget—to get rid of the nagging pain of his passing, even though it's been years since he died.

_But you didn't show._

_No, no, no._

_I needed you today_

Tessa's woken up crying again. It's not a nightmare, per se, that returns her to the land of the conscious, but rather a flurry of emotions that tear her apart so much inside that they even leak into her dreams. Magnus walks into the room, squinting in the dim light. He's moved in with her again, after his old landlord kicked him out.

"Tessa?" he says, padding over, ever cat-like.

Tessa blinks up at him through the tears, whimpering. Magnus and Jem are the only two people still alive who have seen her so simply _broken, _and Magnus knows this. He drops down onto her bed and scoops her up, wrapping his arms around her. He probably wonders why she doesn't try to move on, like he did after his first real love, but Tessa isn't Magnus and something holds her back.

Tessa clings to the other warlock, still sobbing for Will. Her Will. Because he's gone. Because of all the moments she's needed him. When she needed his warmth and comfort most was to help cope with his death. But then, if he was there to comfort her, she wouldn't need comforting because then he would be alive. That paradox tears Tessa apart from the inside-out.

_So where did you go?_

_You told me to call,_

_Said you'd be there._

"Will?" Tessa says into the darkness. But no, it's only the shadows of the night playing tricks on her shattered heart. Will's gone.

_And though I haven't seen you,_

_Are you still there?_

_I cried out to no reply,_

_And I can't feel you by my side._

There was a time, Tessa remembers, where Will's death hit her particularly hard. It was all she could do not to break down where she stood, but she managed to keep it under control until she met Jem that one year. She ended up sobbing with him, calling out for the dear Will they'd both lost.

It's been years since that day, but Tessa still recalls it clearly. She fingers the pearl bracelet around her wrist—the one Will gave her for their thirtieth anniversary—and thinks that she shouldn't have let things get that bad. But then again, it's good to remember, and to grieve, because it's a way of keeping Will with her even when he is not.

_So I'll hold tight to what I know,_

_You're here and I'm never alone._

_And though I cannot see you,_

_And I can't explain why_

It hurts, still, but Tessa knows she can go on. After all, everyone else has. And though none of them have loved Will the way she did, they all loved him in a way unrivaled and unable to compare to another's love for him, and thus feel her pain. No one else can relate in exactly the same way, but it's bearable.

Tessa may not be able to go to Cecily or Charlotte anymore, for they've also passed on long ago, and going back would just bring more pain. She has Jem, though, and Magnus. And maybe she's clinging onto Will through those who knew him and yet remain with her, but she can't help it.

She's never going to forget Will, and that's all she needs to know, even if she can't express how much pain she's in. There's always Will found in the little things—gifts and songs and books and trinkets that Tessa will always hold close her heart.

_Such a deep, deep reassurance_

_You've placed in my life._

_We cannot separate,_

_'Cause you're part of me_

Tessa holds her memories of Will and keeps them under lock and key. She savors them for the moments when she especially misses him—for, really, she always does, but there's times where the loss is almost intolerable. If nothing else, Tessa will always have Will with her inside her mind. He changed her, during their lifetime together, and she will always have those changes with her. Some are habits of his that she picked up, and others are ways of thinking. Then there's the memories of them together. Their marriage, the anniversaries, and every day in between.

And as Tessa thinks this, she'd like to imagine that she _wasn't_ imagining the whisper of Will's voice saying: "_Tess."_

_And though you're invisible,_

_I'll trust the unseen._

_I cried out with no reply,_

_And I can't feel you by my side._

"Will," Tessa breathes in response, but it's too late, he's already gone.

It doesn't hurt too much, though, because Tessa knows that he's there. He's always there. A part of her. With her. It doesn't matter really because Will's _there. _Alive, in his own sort of way.

Besides, when did Will ever do things by the books, anyway?

_So I'll hold tight to what I know,_

_You're here and I'm never alone._

**I don't own CP2. Or ID. Or the song Never Alone by Barlow Girl (or is it BarlowGirl? Close enough), the lyrics of which are strewn about within this fic.**


End file.
